Lean on

When you say you have a best friend it doesn't automatically mean that you are also a best friend of this person.
Best friend should be someone who you can lean on and count on in all of the life's hardships and unexpected situations. Well today I found out that I am not a best friend of my best friend. Up until now I thought that I could no longer count on her only in household things and her "promises" but today proved me wrong. How stupid can I be? It isn't funny anymore how I put everyone and everything first even if I am all but crumbling holding on for dear life but the one person I need to be here for me only takes advantage of me... 
When you are stranded somewhere you expect help from AT LEAST your best friend because if the roles were reversed you know you would bend over backwards for this person...
How much it hurts to know that they can basically toss you aside and tell you to deal with it, how much it hurts when they tell you they'll be there for you, that you can count on them only to discover that when the worst possible thing happens they don't help, they don't support, they are so fucking selfish to demand something even if they HAVE TO know how much you're struggling... 
I had the worst thing happen on 18 June. My dad passed away. My rock, my light, my cheerleader, my support in everything I set my mind to do is gone. He was the only family member I had any real relationship with, who kept me sane and grounded in this horrible world. It feels like I am all on my own... Alas I try my best to keep it together and look like I am somehow getting better. Guess that's why my "bestie" treats me the way she does. I am probably expendable to her. What am I good for anyway? Nothing but money... That's my whole value to her... Why do I keep being available to her? I don't know. 
Why do I plan to take her on an exotic vacation? I don't know but I am starting to feel like no fucking vacation is happening because she set her mind for the most freaking expensive vacation and bitching about just about anything as she doesn't plan to contribute that much... But deep down I know I am too kind to not take her when I said so...

And I seriously feel like I am balancing on the edge of the cliff or a knife, suppressing all of my grief and anger, pushing it so fucking deep it takes roots there. I feel like I would be better if I just killed myself so I could be with my dad again. How can I even live in a world without him? How can the planet keep spinning after losing such a precious being? 

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