Is it her heart? Is she even alive?

After the last post, it's getting worse and worse, day by day. It feels like my heart is being held by an invisible hand that tightens a tiny bit more every day... Right now, basically only thing that is the topic of conversations in our household is the situation between the too. Bestie struggles very much and I have no way of helping her. I think the worst part about this whole situation is that it is affecting not only the two of them but also me. But as we already established my feelings aren't important, right? So I try my best to appear strong and confident and to provide a shoulder to cry on, assuring that everything will work out just fine in the end. But you know what? My bag isn't bottomless and I can only do so much before I lose my shit..  keeping it together in the first place is fucking hard as it is but with this? That's just ridiculous amount of emotional pressure that I struggle with in general...  You see, I hate this ex-gf's guts! As I was already...

The situation isn't improving if you're interested. In fact it is actually getting worse every day. Only thing that keeps me floating is that guy I was talking about last time. As you already know, my flatmate/bestie is also my ex-gf for a few months now but we still live together. Everything started falling on our heads before the end of 2023 and we haven't recovered from it yet. I'm not sure if we ever will honestly. You see, in October my bestie started talking again with her previous ex-gf who was too much (almost abusive I would say) when they were together all those years ago. Of course I knew that she's harbouring feelings for this person all those years despite what happened between them, which is not my story to tell. And even though we're not together anymore she was still telling me how she loves me and how I'm important to her and that I'll always be her number one priority and so on... They started spending a lot of time together, like A LOT...

I think that this should not come as a surprise to anyone but I am a very insecure person. It is really hard for me to find anything good or "nice" about myself. Actually only things I sometimes find good about myself are my tattoos and piercings, my eyes and my hair. I keep my hair very long, right now reaching somewhere around 2 centimeters under my butt. But I still want them to be longer, even though I'm such and idiot and don't take proper care of them or even myself in general. It is like an endless circle, the more I don't care about myself the more I hate myself and therefore don't care about/for myself even more because what's the point, really? Yes I do hate myself and it still hurts very much to even write it in here where nobody will see it, let alone say it out loud, if only to myself when no one is around. Not even trying to tell about it to anyone else because of what happened when I tried with the person I trust the most... And it's not...

People like to say "what's in the past is in the past" but how do we let go? It is a few days after coming of the year 2024 and I decided it is time that I let go of my past and try to start finally healing. I feel like it's about time I do this because my life just keeps going in circles and I don't want that anymore. But it's so hard! When you drag your emotional baggage for as long as I do you can start feeling like letting go of all that means giving up your identity. Like you don't know who you are anymore apart from all that heavy stuff. Like you cannot say anything else about yourself but "I have depression and anxiety". And that's sad... And I don't want to feel that anymore. I finally have opportunities that I'd like to go through and actually do something scary for a change. And I feel like the time is now!  My self development journey, just begins. Which doesn't mean I won't need this "journal" anymore. It...