what? why?

The situation isn't improving if you're interested. In fact it is actually getting worse every day. Only thing that keeps me floating is that guy I was talking about last time.

As you already know, my flatmate/bestie is also my ex-gf for a few months now but we still live together. Everything started falling on our heads before the end of 2023 and we haven't recovered from it yet. I'm not sure if we ever will honestly. You see, in October my bestie started talking again with her previous ex-gf who was too much (almost abusive I would say) when they were together all those years ago. Of course I knew that she's harbouring feelings for this person all those years despite what happened between them, which is not my story to tell. And even though we're not together anymore she was still telling me how she loves me and how I'm important to her and that I'll always be her number one priority and so on... They started spending a lot of time together, like A LOT of time. Almost every free time she had she rather spent them with her than me, a few times even telling me how she's depressed and if you read between the lines you would make an assumption (just like I did) that I'm the reason for this depressive state of hers so she went to her to lift her mood and to not be alone in this state of mind. Which I totally get but it still hurt a bit. Then I started playing DnD with friends which meant travelling for almost 2 hours to the city where they all are. And of course since I was able to give her space and flat all to herself she was spending this time with her, in our flat, sleeping next to her on our bed and doing god knows what. Don't get me wrong, if we were in reverse position I would probably do the same, or maybe not as I find my "alone time" very precious. Nevermind. The point is that when I went for the last DnD session we had, she of course invited her over and spent time in our flat with her. Good. But then something happened between them, idk what and I'm not sure I even wanna know... I could see how her mood was bitter and how all she wanted was HER attention, not mine, even though I even tried to make some moves on her... No luck. 
And then this bomb was dropped on me just yesterday. I needed time to process and I was actually hoping that I would wake up to find out that I just had a nightmare, no luck again... I can even vividly remember how I told our DnD group that even if they are there all alone together she wouldn't dare do anything with her in our home, I was so certain, not a doubt in my mind... How wrong I was!!! Yesterday she told me how she's pissed that this bitch cut her off and then said something to the effect of "well I was good for her when.. nevermind" and she trailed off. I thought that was weird but nothing is normal these past few months so I didn't really read into it that much only to be stumped in the next few seconds when she said "yeah I was good for her when I fucked her with strap-on" I was speechless. I was hoping that she would say that they did it when she was over at her place and not in our shared home. Guess what? No luck! AGAIN! So now I'm not only depressed in general, I'm broken and heartbroken again and even feel betrayed despite the fact that we're not together anymore...
Why do I even care? Why do I keep trying? She clearly doesn't care about me so why should I?

Komentáře

Okomentovat

Populární příspěvky z tohoto blogu

all that I know

After the last post, it's getting worse and worse, day by day. It feels like my heart is being held by an invisible hand that tightens a tiny bit more every day... Right now, basically only thing that is the topic of conversations in our household is the situation between the too. Bestie struggles very much and I have no way of helping her. I think the worst part about this whole situation is that it is affecting not only the two of them but also me. But as we already established my feelings aren't important, right? So I try my best to appear strong and confident and to provide a shoulder to cry on, assuring that everything will work out just fine in the end. But you know what? My bag isn't bottomless and I can only do so much before I lose my shit..  keeping it together in the first place is fucking hard as it is but with this? That's just ridiculous amount of emotional pressure that I struggle with in general...  You see, I hate this ex-gf's guts! As I was already...
Další informace

Past

People like to say "what's in the past is in the past" but how do we let go? It is a few days after coming of the year 2024 and I decided it is time that I let go of my past and try to start finally healing. I feel like it's about time I do this because my life just keeps going in circles and I don't want that anymore. But it's so hard! When you drag your emotional baggage for as long as I do you can start feeling like letting go of all that means giving up your identity. Like you don't know who you are anymore apart from all that heavy stuff. Like you cannot say anything else about yourself but "I have depression and anxiety". And that's sad... And I don't want to feel that anymore. I finally have opportunities that I'd like to go through and actually do something scary for a change. And I feel like the time is now!  My self development journey, just begins. Which doesn't mean I won't need this "journal" anymore. It...
Další informace