all that I know

After the last post, it's getting worse and worse, day by day. It feels like my heart is being held by an invisible hand that tightens a tiny bit more every day...

Right now, basically only thing that is the topic of conversations in our household is the situation between the too. Bestie struggles very much and I have no way of helping her. I think the worst part about this whole situation is that it is affecting not only the two of them but also me. But as we already established my feelings aren't important, right? So I try my best to appear strong and confident and to provide a shoulder to cry on, assuring that everything will work out just fine in the end. But you know what? My bag isn't bottomless and I can only do so much before I lose my shit..  keeping it together in the first place is fucking hard as it is but with this? That's just ridiculous amount of emotional pressure that I struggle with in general... 

You see, I hate this ex-gf's guts! As I was already saying, they have some history which is as bright as my lookout on life (so very dark) and because of that I cannot stand her! I tried to warn my bestie but she felt like she could handle the situation until she fell over the edge into this pit of pain that bitch had already prepared... And I cannot even say anything. I cannot start telling her how it's hurting me that she's unable to let go of her, how I hate that she let her do this again, how I'm so sad and depressed that I'm contemplating suicide or running away just to escape the pain even though I almost feel numb... I try my best to numb my feelings, they're not important now. I try not to complain because my hurt isn't important... What do I do?

All that I'm listening to at home is "I want to talk to her, I want to see her, why is she like this?" in at least five different versions every day. Doesn't she see how it is hurting me? No she doesn't, she was always very self-centred and if there was something she didn't like she was very quick to flip you off, even if she says that she's interested in my feelings, that she wants to know what is bothering me or if I'm hurting. But how do you tell someone that they're hurting you when you know they won't care about what you have to say? And if you're wondering how I know she won't care, it's because she told me. She told me that only person she's interested in right now is her ex-gf, that she can't care about anyone else right now because her heart is in pieces and she cannot focus on anyone or anything else.

Fun fact, she starts being for a few seconds when she starts thinking about me leaving her life too... She's such a hypocrite because she can happily fuck around with this bitch in our home but hates even the thought of someone other than her touching me. She has me locked in as if I was a fucking pet! And I start to hate that. I'm like a fucking decoration. Even if I try to make moves on her to have sex, she's not interested... And it hurts...

I feel so unwanted and hideous and not even the guy from US can change it as it is my cross to bear for the rest of my life...

I'm unlovable.