insecure

I think that this should not come as a surprise to anyone but I am a very insecure person.

It is really hard for me to find anything good or "nice" about myself. Actually only things I sometimes find good about myself are my tattoos and piercings, my eyes and my hair. I keep my hair very long, right now reaching somewhere around 2 centimeters under my butt. But I still want them to be longer, even though I'm such and idiot and don't take proper care of them or even myself in general. It is like an endless circle, the more I don't care about myself the more I hate myself and therefore don't care about/for myself even more because what's the point, really? Yes I do hate myself and it still hurts very much to even write it in here where nobody will see it, let alone say it out loud, if only to myself when no one is around. Not even trying to tell about it to anyone else because of what happened when I tried with the person I trust the most...

And it's not only that. This is just a piece of a larger problem which i certainly do know and need to finally address and let go of it and I don't know what else! I'm so stuck in my head and it's so hard to try and change approach. For example what I don't really like is how my intimate parts look... Uneven boobs and down there it's just weird. I don't know... I'm also fat and I have cellulite and acne. My nails are shit. Everything seems to be wrong about me! 
And now add the fact that I have zero habits. I don't have any routine because there's no way how to even develop one when my work shifts are all over the place every time. I wake up at different hours every day, it is hard for me to fall asleep but then I can sleep for 12+ hours in one go with no problem losing all the free time I have. My eating habits are non existent too, not even talking about hygiene (circling back to not caring for my hair/myself). I'm such a gross person and I know it and it's the worst thing and there's nothing I can do about it in my head due to depression in the play I feel like I'm trapped! 
But then again, before the year 2024 came I met someone online. This isn't the first time this happened to me. Honestly the best relationships I had were always with people from the internet. And this crazy guy sent me Christmas presents just like that and at first I didn't know what to think about it. You know... I love the praise and attention when I can get it but still deep down I feel like maybe that person made their own image of me in their head and what if I really do go for a visit and our expectations don't meet? I'm so scared but he really seems like something completely different from what I knew all my life. And everything is happening so quickly and I don't know how to process and deal with those things/feelings. What if I'm not what he's looking for? What if we both end up brokenhearted again? What if I do go for a visit but something happens to me? What if I don't even make it to the destination? What if I get lost? What if something happens to me there? It's half a world away for god's sake! 

WHAT DO I DO?!? I'M SO SCARED AND CONFUSED AND I JUST WANNA SCREAM AND HIDE!!! 

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