childhood

Just today I realized I've been hating myself for my whole life basically. Ever since I was very young I was very much capable of picking myself apart piece by piece telling myself how ugly and unlovable I am. 
The realisation just hit me out of nowhere as I was sitting in public transport remembering how I came to apply for a new passport and seeing my old photo while giving back the old one. Mind you it stopped being valid about 12 years ago, so it was my child passport. I think I'm like 10 or 11 in that picture and my mind still remembers vividly how I had something on my lips, how stupid my hair looked and how fat I was back then (and still am to this day). 
It's also not that long ago when I admitted out loud to someone (my bestie) that I hate myself. It was such a heartbreaking moment for me, it was really hard to say out loud to someone else than my reflection in the mirror... she started laughing into my face calling me stupid for thinking such things about myself... She laughed. All my brain got from this interaction with the person who is like a family to me is that she laughed. She didn't recognize my problem, she doesn't see it as a problem and that should be an enormous red flag... She never understood... And she probably never will. 
You see... we were together for 4 years. About 6 months ago, she broke up with me in a fit of rage and I bottled it all up until one day when we had an argument I felt that this was chance to throw it into her face. "Why should I even listen to you when I'm not your girlfriend anymore?" What I didn't expect was the way she reacted "hmm... Yeah, you're right." 
Ever since then I hate myself even more and don't know what to do... If only I had the balls to cut the ties and start anew... 

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